Asda. In the future all clothing will work on a buy one get one free basis (already successful with socks)...  

At the news stand in Tesco... In the future all magazines will be distilled into one magazine called Jamie.

Each page will have a flavoured picture of Jamie that you can lick. If you lick it enough, the picture wears away to reveal TV listings showing when the next cookery programme is on.

In the future cookery programmes will be on all the time, meaning the Editor of Jamie can just use the same listings issue after issue, saving time and money. This saved cash will be put to better use buying more page-flavouring.

In the future, after Jamie is dead, licked to death by an obsessive fan presumably, the magazine will fold. That will be the end of the printed word. People won't read anything that doesn't have a flavour.

In the future, Asda will produce a suit that has the shirt, tie, socks, pants and shoes all conveniently sewn in. If you buy one you'll get a second one free. When you get a hole in a sock you just throw it all away or give it to a tramp.

In the Future, tramps (many of them redundant Listings Editors) will all wear suits and ties. The reading material they will sleep under will also be their evening meal.

NEXT, makers of blue, grey and brown clothes, lead the way when it comes to making everyone in the UK look roughly the same.

Well done I say. Having to coordinate colours, if we're honest, is beyond us. Go into any living room in Britain and you'll know this is true.

Limiting clothing to two and half colours is a weight off, frankly.

But the help doesn't stop there. Oh no.

Next have plans for our minds, not just our legs, arms, rude bits and upper torsos. 

Witness Next making big strides into to world of high street, off-the-peg Confucianism (see picture).

Whether you work hard, play hard or both, from time to time we all need to relax.

That's just beautiful, that is. On a packet of three t-shirts they expect you'll sleep in (consecutively, not all at once).

If you analyse this profound message, it breaks down like this: whether you a [where a is any activity] or b [where b is any other activity], or a and b, from time to time you'll need to x [where x is a not necessarily a related essential bodily function].

So, let's try reworking it.

Whether you lick the end of pencils, see visions of death in puddles or both, from time to time we all need to visit the toilet.

An suitable maxim to stick on the packaging of an air freshener, perhaps. I wish I hadn't started writing this.

I mean...you mustn't stop and think about it as I have done or you'll dispair.

Grown adults, paid wages, intelligent graduates all, working in teams, and they get out of bed each day and think up a massage to print on the plastic wrapping of a packet of t-shirts. That's what our ecomony is based on. People doing that.

There aren't emoticons to express...

Of course the big question that Political Historians have so far failed to answer is just what would the 20th Century have looked like if Hitler had been a mod?

For a start it’s hard to imagine anyone goose-stepping in bowling shoes. And the Blitzkrieg would surely not have crushed Poland quite so effectively if it had been the Lambretta-krieg.

A more positive hypothesis puts forward the idea that the whole of World War II may have been reduced to no more than a weekend of brawling with greasers and pigs, on the seafront at Brighton.

A bottle of Pepsi, a snog with a local girl and a dance to The Who might have pacified the ambitious young Austrian. I suppose we’ll never know.

The man who first confirmed to me that I was right to loath Tescos and also to mistrust New Labour, and probably the most ardent campaigner for common sense and good values, George Monbiot, made this short film about oil dependency...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment

Take a look at this amazing, grade one listed building in Leeds...

And then read about how well they're looking after it...

I remember studying this building for an 'A' level in art history. I thought at the time this structure should be a major attraction and celebrated locally and nationally. Now parts are falling down.

The contention, watch this...

And now the verdict:

BBC News - Critical Mass protest Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Another sobering reminder of just why we had to fight those Germans.

www.tarvu.com

It's so easy to join.

The 118 118 guys will never be endearing and it's time everyone involved just blummin well grew up and accepted that.

You can't just keep throwing money at the problem.

Sisyphus-like, 118 118 have pushed this pair of mustachio'd boulders, year after laughless year. God knows how many millions they've spent or how many different actors they've wigged and tached up.

'You're nerdy athletes from the 70s! Just run! Be endearing!' yells the director and off they go again.

They've frozen them in blocks of ice, they've turned them into the A Team, they reduced them to mimi-me 118s; every quirky, slightly not good enough trick in the book.

Six years have passed. No one cares.

Has anyone ever noticed how movie magazine Total Film gives (more or less) every single big budget film a review of four stars?

If you don't care about integrity, it's actually a great idea.

Every major film release can count on this one reasonably positive endorsement from this one reasonably well-known movie magazine. Distributors can breath a sigh of relief and slap it on their poster.

Total Film can count on remaining reasonably good friends with the stars, get reasonably good publicity by appearing on all those posters and continue to be reasonably sure of being invited to all the junkets.

As a business model I'd give it four stars.

Astonishingly over-packaged vitamins from Morrisons. The 30 tablets you get [yes, the amount in the picture] barely cover the bottom of the thick, sturdy plastic container with an over-engineered safety lid. Well done Morrisons.